


Because You're Worth It

by Pappels (SabakuNoKel)



Category: Moana (2016)
Genre: Comedy, Copious amounts of saliva, Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, Humor, Inspired by Art
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-16
Updated: 2017-09-16
Packaged: 2018-12-30 08:36:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,304
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12104850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SabakuNoKel/pseuds/Pappels
Summary: Maui finds a new hair care product





	Because You're Worth It

**Author's Note:**

> So after two weeks of near constant family drama I've finally managed to carve out some time to pull myself out of this stress induced ficblock with something silly.
> 
> This one goes out to TheFredricus for creating the amazing art this fic is based on and Jadewolf for putting the idea in my head ;)  
> Link to art: http://thefredricus.tumblr.com/post/164836594959/a-sketch-i-made-on-the-train-that-i-decided-to

Maui had never smelled anything as bad as the inside of Tamatoa's mouth.

He wasn’t in there for fun, mind you. They had to sneak in somewhere only monsters were allowed in and Tamatoa had somehow convinced him the only way to get him in was hidden under the crab's tongue. It seemed like a good idea at the time but now that he was covered head to toe in the crab's saliva he was seriously regretting going along with it.

The smell of partially digested fish was starting to get to him and if he didn’t get out soon he might actually puke.

Finally after what felt like an eternity Tamatoa opened his mouth. A tiny sliver of light broke through the darkness as he lifted his tongue to say; "Coawst's chlear."

About damn time.

Maui crawled out of the monster's mouth, or attempted to at least, but he was too slippery to get a proper grip. He heaved himself up, one arm thrown over the crab's teeth, and sort of hung there for a moment, taking deep breaths of air that didn’t smell like a rotting whale carcass.

Tamatoa must have thought he was taking too long because the crab suddenly tugged at his hook, trying to pull him out. His hand was too slick with spit to keep hold of it though and rather than pull him out his hook got yanked out of his hand, thick strings of saliva trailing after it. 

Tamatoa chuckled, his tongue flopping on top of Maui's head. He glared at the monster.

"Give me back my hook, crabcake, or you're not getting your share of the loot." He growled. Tamatoa huffed, the action sending a hot wave of disgusting air over him, but returned his hook. Maui wrinkled his nose as he wrapped his hand around the handle. Even the rope was soaked through.

Jumping down from the monster's mouth he cringed as he felt the spit literally drip down his body.

" _That_ was the worst thing you've ever made me do." Maui said as he ran a hand down his chest and flicked the offending liquid off. It hit the sand with a wet splat.

"Hey, nobody forced you to get in there. Besides it wasn’t all fun and games for me either, you should really wipe your feet before rolling around in someone else's mouth." Tamatoa griped, pulling a face.

Maui rolled his eyes. If a little bit of sand in his mouth was the worst thing the crab had to endure he really shouldn’t complain.

"Yeah, yeah. Here's your payment." He tossed the monster a pouch which he caught in one giant claw. Using the other claw he undid the bit of string holding the pouch closed and peered inside, ooh'ing at the collection of gems and coins.

While Tamatoa was doing that Maui lifted a hand to his head to check on the situation with his hair but quickly pulled it back when his hair actually _squelched_ with the amount of saliva that was in it.

"Ugh, great. How am I going to get your gross spit out of my hair?" He grumbled.

Tamatoa shrugged, too busy admiring his new treasure to give any attention to his complaints.

"Not my problem, man."

He shot the monster a glare but Tamatoa didn’t even notice. Throwing his arms up, which had large globs of spit flying off him, Maui turned on his heel and left the crab to his shiny trinkets as he made his way back up to the surface.

Even the trip up with the geyser didn’t wash the saliva off.

As he set out on his boat the monster's spit dried into a smelly, tacky layer as the wind blew his hair up and into his face.

Maui nearly gagged. His hair smelled like fish breath.

He tied off the rudder and went to assess the damage. Grabbing the polished silver plate he used as a mirror he prepared himself for the worst.

Maui stared at his reflection in shock.

His hair had never looked so good.

It seemed to shine with a luster he'd never been able to achieve with coconut oil; his curls looking bouncy and smooth as silk. He moved a hand through his hair, it was still damp and smelled terrible but it was oh, so soft.

Unbelievable. Who would have thought the secret to perfect hair was monster crab saliva?

Now that he'd seen its effect he was almost reluctant to wash it off. It would be such a waste to clean his hair without getting the chance to show off how good it looked first.

He considered his reflection.

What if he just… left it in? Just for a little bit. No one had to know it was crab spit that was giving his hair such volume and glow after all and if anyone asked why he smelled so bad he'd just tell them a monster had tried to eat him.

It was kind of true.

He tied his hair up into a bun so the smell wouldn’t bother him so much and scrubbed his skin clean with salt water. It wasn’t ideal but it would have to do until he could get a proper bath.

He sailed through the night and most of the next day until he saw land on the horizon. As he came in closer he heard the familiar sound of people cheering on the shore when they spotted his canoe, the whole village gathering on the beach to see him. He pushed his boat on land and greeted the chief, who'd come to personally invite him to a feast in his honor.

Maui never said no to a good feast.

It was a grand celebration, with lots of good food and an adoring crowd who cheered at all the right moments as he regaled them with stories of his heroic deeds. As the night wore on he got a lot of compliments on how great his hair looked and he soaked the praise up like a sponge. He felt a little bad for the people sitting downwind from him though, their faces curling up in disgust every time they caught a whiff of his hair.

After a couple of days the smell stopped bothering him and while the villagers still noticed it they never said anything about it, at least not to him.

Unfortunately Tamatoa's spit-mask didn’t last forever. After a while his hair lost its shine and while it still looked good it didn’t look _as_ good as when it had been lathered in the monster's saliva.

Maui sat on the beach lamenting the loss of his luscious locks. He missed how soft and silky his hair used to be, not to mention all the attention he'd been getting because of it.

He sighed. If only there were a way to get more of the monster's saliva.

What was he going to do though, just walk up to Tamatoa and say; "Hey, man, can I borrow some of your spit to make my hair all soft and glossy again?" Yeah, right. The crab would probably laugh himself into an early grave if he did that.

Still, maybe he could trick the monster into it somehow. Tell him they needed to sneak in somewhere again or something. Or he could always try bribing him. A big bag of gold would surely do the trick.

Hopping to his feet Maui started getting his boat ready for the trip. He didn’t have a plan yet for what he was going to do when he got there but he'd worry about that later.

One quick trip into Lalotai later found Maui at the entrance to Tamatoa's lair. He peeked his head inside, a grin stretching across his face when he found the giant crab monster asleep in his usual spot, basking under the watery sun.

This was perfect, now he didn’t have to come up with an excuse for his impromptu visit.

Tiptoeing closer, he watched the monster for any sign that he was waking but other than the little sounds and movements of breathing Tamatoa didn’t stir. Pausing in front of the crab Maui took a breath, exhaled, and carefully stuck his hand in the other's mouth.

He cringed as he rubbed his palm over the monster's tongue, getting it wet with saliva, feeling the slimy substance squish between his fingers.

This was really gross but he kept telling himself it would be worth it.

After a minute he pulled his hand back out with an audible 'plop', saliva dripping from his fingers. He hesitated.

Was he really prepared to do this for amazing hair?

Yes. Yes, he was.

He rubbed his wet hand through his hair, trying very hard not to think about the fact that he was slathering spit on his head. The smell was just as terrible as last time (Tamatoa really needed to switch up his diet to something more pleasant) and getting hit with a fresh dose was not doing his nose any favors but he pushed through it, working quickly to cover his hair from root to ends. He just had to finish this up and Tamatoa never had to know.

"What are you doing?"

Maui froze, glancing up to find Tamatoa wide awake and watching him, a questioning look in his giant eyes.

Oh, crap.

"…Nothing." He said after an awkward pause, dropping his hand and trying to play it off like he'd just been running his fingers through his (suspiciously wet) hair.

Tamatoa quirked an eye at him.

"Really? So you didn’t just stick your hand in my mouth and then proceeded to rub said hand all over your hair?" Tamatoa replied sarcastically.

Maui winced. Of course the crab had been awake for that, _of course._

"I can explain." He said and Tamatoa propped his chin up on a claw and gave him an indulging look. "Oh, please do."

He shuffled his feet around, scratching awkwardly at his neck. "Well, you see, the thing is…" He tried to think of something to tell the monster but really what could he say that would explain not only why he'd stuck his hand in the other's mouth but also why he'd intentionally rubbed his slick hand into his hair afterwards?

Tamatoa was watching him expectantly, eyes shining with mirth as Maui floundered on what to say. He threw his hands up in defeat. "Fine. You want to know the truth? I was rubbing your saliva in my hair because it made my hair really silky last time. Happy now?" He huffed, crossing his arms over his chest and looking away, embarrassed.

A choked off sound drew his eyes back. Tamatoa's lips were twitching, eyes squinted in amusement as he tried to hold back his laughter. A snort escaped out of the corner of his trembling mouth.

"Yeah, yeah. Laugh it up, crabcake." He grumbled, accepting the inevitable. The monster guffawed, laughing so loudly it made Maui rock back on his heels. For several long minutes the sound of laughter echoed off the cavern walls, the noise occasionally broken by heaving gasps for air. Eventually the raucous laughter tapered off into giggles, then chuckles followed by a deep, satisfied sigh.

"You done?" Maui said once the monster had calmed down. Tamatoa nodded, grin remaining.

"Oh, Maui-man, that was the funniest thing I've heard in ages. I can't believe you—Pfft!" Tamatoa started laughing again and Maui scowled.

"If you're going to be a jerk about it I'm leaving." He said as he turned to leave but Tamatoa stopped him.

"No, no. I won't laugh again, promise." Tamatoa said as he flicked a tear from his eye with an antenna. The monster cleared his throat, regaining his composure. "Hilarious as I find the thought of you rubbing my saliva on your hair in secret you could have just asked and I would have been happy to help you out."

Maui raised his brow. "Right, and you wouldn’t have laughed at me like you just did?"

"Well, I would have, but I still would have helped you out afterwards." Tamatoa shrugged.

"Oh, really?" Maui said, a little suspicious of the monster's apparent kindness. Tamatoa never offered to help unless there was something in it for him after all.

"Of course, what are friends for if not helping each other out in their time of need?" The monster grinned. Maui predicted he was going to have to do a lot of favors for the crab in the future but if it meant he'd have his beautiful, silky hair back he'd put up with the other's demands.

"But if you want to do this we're doing it my way. None of this sticking your hand in my mouth business when I'm trying to sleep." Tamatoa said, pointing a claw at him. Fair enough, he probably wouldn’t like it very much either if someone tried to sneak their hand into his mouth while he slept.

"Alright, so how do you—woah!" Before he could get a word in edgewise Tamatoa had picked him up and dropped him into his mouth. The monster swished him around for a minute then spat him back out.

"There you go. Nice and shiny again." Tamatoa grinned. Maui lay in a puddle of saliva staring up at the ceiling with wide eyes for a few moments, wondering what had just happened. Sitting up, his lips curled at the unpleasant sensation of saliva dripping off him except this time there was a good deal of sand added into the mix as well.

"Gee. Thanks." He said, flatly, knowing he couldn’t complain since he'd sort of agreed to this.

Well, at least his hair would look good again, he told himself.

Tamatoa smirked down at him.

"You're welcome."

**Author's Note:**

> Raise your hand if you'd let Tamatoa put you in his mouth for good hair *raises hand*  
> …  
> What? Just me? Alright then.
> 
> Still open to prompts/questions/trades on my tumblr ;)  
> http://pepperedappels.tumblr.com/


End file.
